


David Boreanaz's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by DMisforDaddyMaster



Series: DnDads Telephone Game Fics [2]
Category: Dungeons and Daddies (Podcast)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:21:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25826578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DMisforDaddyMaster/pseuds/DMisforDaddyMaster
Summary: One moment he was orchestrating a death cult, and the next David Boreanaz was inhaling a lungful of water as the boy sent by Lord of Chaos dunked him in the manta ray petting pool. All things considered, this was by far the worst way the new age could have been ushered in
Series: DnDads Telephone Game Fics [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886971
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	David Boreanaz's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

One moment he was orchestrating a death cult, and the next David Boreanaz was inhaling a lungful of water as the boy sent by Lord of Chaos dunked him in the manta ray petting pool.

All things considered, this was by far the worst way the new age could have been ushered in.

*

It starts with two children, as he has found all disasters tend to start, and a fighting pit, which, in his opinion, really should not start any. 

Of course, he had not known then that the disguised Lord was really just a boy riding on his twin’s shoulders, but the intense enthusiasm and rowdy shouting coming from inside the hood - and strangely, midsection - was a reaction to be expected of any worshipper of the Doodler, so it really wasn’t his fault that he didn’t foresee the disaster that was to follow.

Were interdimensional portals even allowed at multi-participant deathmatches? He definitely can’t have foreseen _that_.

And so, backward he toppled, into a swirling mass of billowing smoke, and in his panic, Boreanaz blindly flung out his hand and dug his fingers into the closest thing he could reach - the fabric of a cloak.

He can’t recall how it happened, since, you know, he had fought with every fibre of his being against the invisible tether that drew him into the enveloping darkness and couldn’t have spared any thought towards what he may or may not have dragged with him. 

_Okay_ , so he may have been clutching the cloth everything he had, not even crying a little, but at the time it didn’t register that the cloak did feel oddly heavier than it looked and struggling more than a cloak should, alright?

How was he supposed to know he had inadvertently kidnapped a child?

The portal spits him out in the middle of what seems like the ocean, and Boreanaz staggers out of the darkness and onto the seabed. He takes a moment to gain his bearings and gulps in as much air as he can possibly hold before he starts to drown because _holy shit he’s in the middle of the ocean, what the fuck? What the actual fuck?_

If this is the Doodler’s grand plan to bring the world to its knees, then it’s a little bit insulting that he, leader of the Great One’s worship and unbelievably attractive man, is being sacrificed to the depths and not some other guy who is not as cool as he is.

He’s so cool he absolutely does not let out an undignified shriek when a small human is dropped unceremoniously onto his back and they both tumble into a smaller ocean inside the current ocean, which is - a tank. Right. He knows what a tank is, he is one.

Before he can get over his embarrassment and register who has suddenly decided to crush his spine, a hand grabs ahold of his hair and yanks his head back, hard. Eyes stinging with the pain of his roots tearing out, Boreanaz fumbles backwards and scrabbles at the fingers tangled in his hair, but they only pull harder.

And then he hears the peal of a child’s gleeful laughter.

“ _Power!_ ”

*

“ _Power!”_

Lark Oak-Garcia is having the time of his life. Sure, he might be soaked and in the middle of who-knows-where without his twin, but he’s definitely winning a fight against the beefy guy who bossed them around before he and Sparrow had become the Lord of Chaos, and he has nothing but revenge on his mind. He cackles gleefully as the man tries to pry Lark off himself, his arms reaching nothing but air. It’s enough to make Lark laugh harder, and he loses his grip, falling off the man’s back, and splashing into the water. 

The man in question is one David Boreanaz, who is, as the kids would say, straight up not having a good time, after falling into a tank of water with a small child on his back. He grabs the side of the tank, coughing up water and is able to see the child clearly for the first time. It’s a familiar face, and - though he won’t admit it - one that strikes fear in his heart. A mischievous grin that’s missing a couple of teeth, peeling coloured bandages plastered all over, sandy brown hair that sticks to his face from the water-

“You!”

Lark bobs on the surface of the tank, grinning widely at the man. “That! Was! _Revenge!_ ” He crows, causing the man to wince slightly.

“Revenge for _what_?” 

“For how _you_ took me from my brother!” 

“Your…? Oh right, the other one.” The man rubs his head, the bags under his eyes seeming to get larger. “What are you even doing here, I- we thought you got taken by the Lord?”

Lark’s mind races to try and come up with a lie. “The Lord sent us back for a little… as _emissaries_ ! He wants to _test_ you, so he has sent me and my brother back to aid you on a quest to find the perfect _sacrificial gift_.” 

The man seems to perk up at the mention of a ‘test’ from his Lord. 

“Really? Did the Lord say anything about... what kind of sacrifice he’s looking for?” 

“ _Well..._ the Lord of Chaos does like sweets _..._ and also knives and fighting!” 

The man looks down thoughtfully. “That doesn’t seem too hard to find…”

“Then what are we waiting for? Let’s _go_!” 

*

There are, admittedly, parts of this plan that Lark didn’t think through entirely. For example: he _probably_ shouldn’t leave this aquarium, at least not without a “responsible adult, who you know either me or your mom trust - I’m serious, Lark, I know you can handle yourself but when you get lost it’s better for all of us if you stay in one place, as long as you’re safe of course-”

He can’t really remember how the rest of that lecture goes, but he’s sure Sparrow remembers the rest. They’re a good team like that. Lark’s sure he’s _mostly_ safe with Boreanaz, as long as he keeps the man focused on the Doodler. 

He just didn’t realize it would be so _boring_. 

They find candy easily enough, but then they wander around the aquarium looking for knives for _ages_ . Lark has been to more than enough museums and aquariums and “places of learning” to know where the gift shop is likely to be and, sure enough - there is candy that they can just take, because there isn’t a cashier and it’s not like Boreanaz or him have money anyway. The entire aquarium is _empty_ . There’s _no one_ there and it’s so cool! The windows face out into absolute, pitch black which apparently makes Boreanaz nervous.

“I don’t trust what I can’t see,” he says as they pass by these _huge_ windows. They take up a _whole_ wall and look out into absolutely _nothing_. Lark thinks it’s cool and he says so. 

“I think it’s _sick_! It’s like we’re floating in space, only there are no stars!” he exclaims. “Maybe we should open the door!” 

Boreanaz gets a weird look on his face. Like Second Father Darryl does when he tries to talk to Grant about _feelings_. 

“Let’s keep moving,” Boreanaz says and gestures down the jellyfish hallway. Lark sighs loudly. Then he spots a ladder, tucked behind a potted plant, and runs for it. 

“Wait!” Boreanaz yells, but Lark isn’t about to listen to _him_. 

Lark scrambles up the ladder and ends up by a tiny platform, overlooking the jellyfish tank. “Whoa,” he breathes. It’s beautiful. The jellyfish are huge and pink and slow, drifting lazily across the tank. 

“What do you see?” Boreanaz asks, and Lark rolls his eyes. It’s the same thing, just from the top, sheesh. But wait...

There’s something purple at the bottom of the tank. Purple and sparkling. An oval, light on the edges and dark in the center, on the tank floor. As Lark watches, some sand gets knocked onto it and it drifts down lower than the tank floor and then disappears in a shattering of sparks. 

“I think I found a portal!” he exclaims, and then jumps into the water before Boreanaz can say anything. 

*

The water is cold, colder than Lark expected. 

He opens his eyes and he is surrounded by the same darkness they were watching outside the windows of the aquarium. The jellyfish drift gently, aimlessly and begin to glow softly. They illuminate his face as he reaches out to touch one, eyes wide. It’s texture is indescribable, soft and rough and warm and cold all at once. A tendril nearly brushes his leg, and he sidesteps. He’s standing on the floor of the tank, and there is sand there, but to his bare feet, it feels more like the ocean floor than anything else. Did he swim down? He doesn’t remember hitting the bottom. He can’t see the glass sides of the tank, the only light coming from the jellyfish floating near his head. Weren’t there more jellyfish just a moment ago? He looks at it in puzzlement, and it seems to shrug its tendrils as if to say “Weird, right?” 

“Yes…” He mutters. “This is indeed unusual.” And then he realizes he is breathing. 

He _hmm_ s to himself. 

“Do you live here?” He asks the jellyfish. “What is your name?” The jellyfish glows a little brighter and Lark knows, and has always known the answer to his questions.

“A good and powerful name!” He exclaims. “I must introduce you to my brother, Sparrow Oak-Garcia.” The jellyfish would like that very much. It wants to go with Lark to another world.

“A kindred spirit!” Lark exclaims. “An adventurer!” The jellyfish would prefer it if Lark did not infer that it might have a soul.

“I shouldn’t have assumed.” Lark muses. “A kindred being?” That’s a little closer to the truth. Not perfect, but acceptable. Lark nods thoughtfully. He also starts walking, moving a little sluggishly. Whatever he is submerged in is not quite water, and not quite air. 

The jellyfish is guiding him to the portal, he understands. 

*

Boreanaz watches the child jump into the water, and then he does not know where the child goes. He looks and does not comprehend. This is very good for Boreanaz. It feels very much like the Lord of Chaos and Doodler business. He considers for a few brief moments, but overall the choice is clear. He finds the ladder that the Emissary had climbed, and pulls himself up. He looks at the tank, feeling slightly unsettled as he looks at the portal at the bottom and the Place Where The Child Should Be. He grins at the feeling and jumps into the tank. 

As he touches the water, he feels an inexplicable movement of air behind and above him, and he looks up at the last second to see the whole structure of the aquarium fold in on itself all at once, and when his head comes back up out of the water, there is simply a ripple on the surface of a dark, perfectly still ocean that stretches as far as the eye can see. He knows, deep within, that he is not alone here. He is briefly overcome with religious ecstasy. 

And then he is kicked in the head.

The child stumbles over him, apparently walking on the surface of the water, accompanied by one of the large pink jellyfish that had occupied the tank. The child scowls at him. 

“What are you doing?” Lark asks, accusingly. “Are you challenging me, strange man?”

“I’m swimming.” Boreanaz says.

“I can see that,” says Lark, rolling his eyes. Adults. “The jellyfish wants you to come with us, so I suppose you must.” He reaches down and, with a great deal of effort, pulls Boreanaz out of the water. Lark continues to walk, and Boreanaz trails behind, staring enraptured at the jellyfish.

“We’re here!” Lark declares, and Boreanaz starts. 

There, in front of them, is the sparking purple portal, making a hole in the water.

* 

When David Boreanaz comes to, he’s lying on the ground, soaking wet and recovering from what he can only assume are some pretty intense drug flowers. What else would explain the memories he seems to carry of some sort of liminal aquarium purgatory occupied by an unknowable jellyfish deity? 

As he desperately tries to recover the missing shreds of his memory, Boreanaz is distantly aware of a crowd gathering around him. He staggers to his feet, prepared to hastily attempt an explanation. But before he can say anything, he realizes that the crowd isn’t staring at him at all. They all seem fixated on some point in the evening sky. He follows their gazes upwards and his mouth drops open.

Now, no one has ever accused Boreanaz of being a square. He is known throughout Neverwinter for being the life of the party - what with the bulging muscles and propensity for drinking - and he has lived through more than his fair share of magical eldritch nonsense. But nothing could have prepared him for the sight that greets him now.

There, emerging from a purple portal twenty five feet in the air, is the emissary of the Doodler, floating gently downward while being carried by an enormous pink jellyfish. As the crowd watches, the jellyfish lowers the emissary, still wearing the Lord of Chaos’ cloak, towards the ground.

Below them, Boreanaz sees the second emissary, gesticulating wildly and yelling about... some sort of unstoppable war alliance between the Doodler and the jellyfish beings?

The second emissary stills as the jellyfish carefully places the first emissary on his shoulders. 

All at once, Boreanaz’ brain comprehends what he’s seeing. He gapes and sputters and looks to the other people in the crowd for any signs of upset, but no one seems bothered at all. In fact, many of them have stopped looking altogether. Several people are walking away, dazed and muttering about what strange weather Neverwinter seems to be having. Seizing this moment of lucidity, Boreanaz runs towards the cloaked figure.

“This is bullshit! I’m calling bullshit. Don’t any of the rest of you see what’s happening here? This is sacrilege. _This_ ,” he gestures wildly towards the figures in the cloak, “is not a Lord of Chaos, it’s not a representative for the Doodler, it’s - it’s two idiot children wearing a-” 

But the jellyfish waves a tentacle in his direction and the words die on his tongue. 

It has done him a favor by ushering him back to his home, it will not see its associates slandered in this way. Boreanaz watches as the jellyfish seems to have a long series of communications with the boys.

Finally, the child at the top of the cloak, the one Boreanaz now remembers kicked him in the head, turns to speak to him.

“Our friend says your tiny normal adult brain can’t process its existence. It has made the very generous decision not to kill you - I personally think killing you would be a fun warm up to summoning and slaying the Doodler - but we are prepared to let you live.”

Boreanaz tries to argue but his mouth still isn’t working.

“We are prepared to let you live... _if_ -” a voice pipes up from the cloak’s midsection, “ _If_ you give us the gifts you took from the space aquarium.” 

A hand shoots out from the middle of the cloak. Boreanaz reaches into his pocket and pulls out some assorted candies and a pocket knife. He places them into the outstretched hand, which immediately retreats back into the cloak.

“Just out of curiosity” Boreanaz says wearily, “how long will it be until you summon the Doodler?”

“Do not underestimate the power of the Lord of Chaos! We will summon it really soon. _But only!_ ” the first child pauses for dramatic effect. Boreanaz sighs. “If you promise not to hurt our friend. You couldn’t if you tried, but promise not to try.” 

Boreanaz looks at the jellyfish. It crosses its tentacles. He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs again. _This is what I get for signing up to lead a secret chaos cult_ , he tells himself. He should’ve been prepared, he just never expected this _much_ chaos. 

“Fine,” he says, and stalks off to get a towel. After all, it doesn’t matter if the children are emissaries or the Lord of Chaos or just two hooligans off the street. If they can cause this much chaos in one day, that’s enough proof for him that they’re doing the good work of the Doodler.

**Author's Note:**

> Nice job, team.
> 
> Prompt were: setting - aquarium, characters - Lark and Boreanaz, conflict - trying to find the perfect gift.


End file.
